Reasons to not eat shrooms at work...

By Justin Lawrence Trawick

Mushrooms are the worst food, if you can call them food, on the face of the planet, quite possibly in the universe (although I must say that I was forced by a roomful of priests once to eat tripe...words don't describe the mental pain and physical anguish i went through for days after that experience).

But mushrooms, yes, undoubtedly the worst substance ever, at least in Washington D.C. restaruant establishments that serve lunch. See, today, like every other day, I decided to partake in the long honored tradation of eating. My officemate and I decided to take a walk outside and go to the Au Bon Pain where I had heard they had good soup (I love soup, it's amazing, i'm going to buy stock in Campbell's).

Now, if you haven't ever been to Au Bon Pain I suggest that you NEVER EVER go. Why, you ask? Well, if there ever was/is an actual legitimate weight loss plan, it does not exist in Au Bon Pain, where from 4 to 6 all baked goods are half off so people go and buy FORTY-SIX LOWFAT CHOCOLATE COOKIES! I think people have missed the point of dieting. See, low fat cookies are good in moderation...maybe one, or two, possibly three if you want to splurge. But forty-six slightly defeats the purpose.

Moving on, there is a great soup bar at Au Bon Pain and for some particular reason I could not get my eyes off of this mushroom and leak soup, which I thought wouls be good. Unfortunatly, about twenty minutes and two spoonfuls of soup later, I remembered that I not only disliked mushrooms, I HATED mushrooms with a burning passion. I believe they were so bad that quite possibly may never go back to Au Bon Pain again and furthermore I will organize a group of picketers who will be protesting fungus in food establishments. Possible slogans I have come up with are:

"FUNGI MUST DIE"

"NO MORE FUNGUS AMOUNG US"

"TERRORISTS EAT MUSHROOMS, DO YOU?"

Nevertheless, I will not be having Au Bon Pain's mushroom soup any time soon.